I wish I had time....
I have no more and no less than anyone else but it feels so short to me. I wish I wrote more - writing is so me, writing puts my mind in order. It helps me sift through ideas; to throw out the silly ones and polish the ones that shine through.
I wish I wrote more.
But my time is directed at living, and if you don´t live you have nothing to write about and I want to end my life with millions of stories within me - mostly about you two and so.... I have very little time to write.
But today I have something to say that hopefully might mean something to you.
We don´t get answers when life is dark - answers only come when the clouds are gone and when we least expect it.
I knew of both your diagnoses before they were formalized - saw what doctors only confirmed after months of therapy: that you were different. That you thought and acted different and I could see in you what once was my mirror.
It scared me.
I´m not one to back down from a challenge but nothing scared me more than knowing that you both would have to live through the same process that I did: learning to see and understand the tones of grey in a black and white world.
They say that after a ASD diagnoses parents are supposed to grieve the death of their neurotypical child. I saw your dad do this - this wasn´t my process though. My grief was directed at myself - firstly for having genetically passed down these challenges to you and then because I wasn´t sure that I knew how to help you. I guess that deep down i´m still afraid of not getting it right - not doing you justice.
There is a pending question that everyone asks themselves repeatedly through the grief process: "Why me?". Regardless of your religious belief, I personally think that even atheists ask themselves this question when things go wrong. We often lie to ourselves - tell ourselves what we need to hear in order to move forward. I told myself - DNA. You can´t do anything about DNA. It wasn´t in this answer that I found the strength to fight for you but it was is in this answer that I found a lot of answers to the past. Forgiving things that happened in the past is so important, they help you move forward... and the ASD didn´t come out of nowhere, I got it from someone too.
But i´m no atheist, I don´t believe in coincidences and if everything happens for a reason there must be some reason you chose me as your mother.
Some answers come directly from your mouth and you don´t realize that you answered a pending question until you hear yourself. Special aunt A remarked "why do sick cats keeping picking me as their owner" and I replied "They pick you because they know that you will love them regardless of their imperfections and they you will fight for their wellbeing regardless of the challenge it brings you"
There, I answered my long pending question and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I´m not perfect, I won´t always get it right but I´ll keep doing my best - i´ll keep doing what it takes for you to feel happy and successful within your own skin.
