Why Me?

 I wish I had time.... 

I have no more and no less than anyone else but it feels so short to me. I wish I wrote more - writing is so me, writing puts my mind in order. It helps me sift through ideas; to throw out the silly ones and polish the ones that shine through. 

I wish I wrote more.

But my time is directed at living, and if you don´t live you have nothing to write about and I want to end my life with millions of stories within me - mostly about you two and so.... I have very little time to write.

But today I have something to say that hopefully might mean something to you.

We don´t get answers when life is dark - answers only come when the clouds are gone and when we least expect it.

I knew of both your diagnoses before they were formalized - saw what doctors only confirmed after months of therapy: that you were different. That you thought and acted different and I could see in you what once was my mirror. 

It scared me.

I´m not one to back down from a challenge but nothing scared me more than knowing that you both would have to live through the same process that I did: learning to see and understand the tones of grey in a black and white world.

They say that after a ASD diagnoses parents are supposed to grieve the death of their neurotypical child. I saw your dad do this - this wasn´t my process though. My grief was directed at myself - firstly for having genetically passed down these challenges to you and then because I wasn´t sure that I knew how to help you. I guess that deep down i´m still afraid of not getting it right - not doing you justice. 

There is a pending question that everyone asks themselves repeatedly through the grief process: "Why me?". Regardless of your religious belief, I personally think that even atheists ask themselves this question when things go wrong. We often lie to ourselves - tell ourselves what we need to hear in order to move forward. I told myself - DNA. You can´t do anything about DNA. It wasn´t in this answer that I found the strength to fight for you but it was is in this answer that I found a lot of answers to the past. Forgiving things that happened in the past is so important, they help you move forward... and the ASD didn´t come out of nowhere, I got it from someone too.

But i´m no atheist, I don´t believe in coincidences and if everything happens for a reason there must be some reason you chose me as your mother.

Some answers come directly from your mouth and you don´t  realize that you answered a pending question until you hear yourself. Special aunt A remarked "why do sick cats keeping picking me as their owner" and I replied "They pick you because they know that you will love them regardless of their imperfections and they you will fight for their wellbeing regardless of the challenge it brings you"

There, I answered my long pending question and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I´m not perfect, I won´t always get it right but I´ll keep doing my best - i´ll keep doing what it takes for you to feel happy and successful within your own skin. 

When broken... go see your hairdresser

My sweet Sofia´s...

Never, ever, ever... wait around for someone to mend your heart.
Your heart and soul are your responsibility - don´t leave your happiness in someone else´s hands.
It doesn´t mean that there won´t be a friend that will listen, bring a smile to your face and make you forget the sadness for a little while.
But sadness can often be deep - it can seep into your soul like a virus and refuse to let you go.

Shake it off.
It´s okay to sit on your pity potty for a while but get to the point where you get up and flush down whatever is hurting you.
Move on.
It really is that simple.

Call your hairdresser - get a cut and your hair done, you´ll be surprised at the soul renovation a woman goes through when she walks out of a salon.
If you feel empowered, the confidence will take over the sadness in your heart and you´ll be whole again.
The same goes for getting your nails done, a massage, or even buying a new item of clothing.
Do something for you - something that empowers you and gives you a starting point to turning the gloom around.
If this fails, go to your underwear draw and pick out your sexiest underwear.
The world won´t see it, but you´ll know what you´re wearing underneath.
It will boost your confidence.

Put your make up on.
Consider it war paint to face another day.

Smile!
Even if it you´re not feeling it.
It doesn´t matter if other people see through the curve of your lips - you owe them no justification.
Your smile is not for them - it´s for you.
When you smile, you attract good vibes, happy energy - even if you don´t feel it, the sunshine will pass your lips and start warming your heart.

Breathe... cry if you must, but let it go.
It´s a mistake to suppress your emotions, they´ll rot inside you and wither your soul.
Feel them... acknowledge them - and let them go.
The better you understand them, the easier they are to process.

You´re going to break often in life.
It´s okay - you can always rebuild yourself and each time that you do - you´ll come out stronger than you were before.
No resentment - no anger - just stronger.

Take care of yourself, start on your physical aspect... the rest will follow.
A woman needs to feel a woman on the outside to rebuild the woman on the inside.
I love you,
I hope that you come to me whenever life kicks you down, I will help build you up again.

I don´t always mean what I say...

Lara,

Last night you ignored me when I told you to get in the shower. You always take your time, distracted in your own world. I envy that - there was a time I had time for everything.
These days my minutes are counted... because there´s always something else to be done and I strive not to fail you.
Often I take a deep breath and do my best not to rush you - on other times, I have no other choice but to force you into movement.
I wish it wasn´t like that - I wish I had more time.
It broke my heart when you said to your father:
"Mom´s always yelling"
He immediately snapped back saying
"That´s because you´re always misbehaving"

That´s not true.
You´re a good little girl with a big imagination that wants to express herself.

Sometimes I rush you, demand more from you because I need things to run smoothly - because I need to get things done.
I keep trying to improve my mannerisms:
Be more patient
But it´s hard - I need things to get done and for that I need your collaboration.

My mom was like me - snappy.
It might not seem like sweet Grandma could ever raise her voice, but trust me when I tell you that you didn´t want to get on her bad side!
I said I wouldn´t be like her, I swore i´d be calmer, more patient...
I had no idea how much she carried on her shoulders...
How demanding it all can be...
To be a mom, a wife, a career woman... and still try to be me.
Somedays, I yell to keep myself from crying.
It´s not a reflection of you - it´s a sign of my weakness.
That´s i´m too tired to lift all of our spirits up.
I try.
Believe me I try...
Forgive me for all the times, I couldn´t.

Whatever I said that seemed mean, angry or hurtful...
I didn´t mean it.

You´re the most wonderful and perfect creation of my life!
I will always be proud of you no matter what mistakes you make.
I am your biggest fan.
I love you.

My dearest Sofias....

Yes, this blog is in english.
I know it would be easier to write in portuguese, but if you want to know me - really and truly know me, you must know me in english - it´s who I truly am.
I came to the conclusion that i´m mortal - that i´m not always going to be around to guide you.
The thought alone frightens me, it is my biggest fear.
I want to be there for every second of your life, but just in case I´m not... i´m leaving you this blog, a piece of me that will always be with you.
I´m not sure how often i´ll get to write (you two keep me very busy!), but i´ll do my best to register my thoughts here.
Remember one thing - advice is second hand knowledge powered by the experience of one human being. I might not always be right... but taking in consideration my advice, might save you from making the same mistakes.
If nothing else, I hope this blog gives you one certainty:
I love you.